Question by Dave: My parents disapprove of my relationship with my partner – help?
My girlfriend and I have been dating for four years and we feel like it’s about time we moved out together as we have just finished college. For a variety of reasons, my parents really don’t like her. My view is (being the oldest) they view me as the ‘perfect child’ and that nobody is ever good enough for their precious son. They’re both lawyers and they rant and rave about how I could do ’so much better’ because my GPA was ‘much higher’ than hers, that we have ‘nothing in common’, that her parents are ‘rednecks’, that she is ‘disrespectful’ and *gasp* she is older than me. I think my parents are stuck in a time warp: not dating someone because of their GPA is beyond pathetic (and my girlfriend is very smart too!). While my passion is politics and hers is music, we still have loads in common (eg movies, restaurants, good food, health & fitness, travelling, similar careers) – we’re crazy about each other and talk about each other constantly. Her parents are a bit weird, but my parents are just as weird in their own eccentric and old-fashioned ways. They’re also very culturally conservative, so they don’t understand practical jokes at all – we make practical jokes all the time on each other (eg she created a fake newspaper article that the company I’m working for has gone bankrupt and must sack all its employees), it’s just they see the ones she plays on me but I don’t tell them the ones I play on her because they’d berate me for it (eg pretending to be questioning my sexuality). And despite her being a whole 18 months older than me (shock horror! lol), my parents are absolutely adamant that men should only date women younger. I think my parents are just really old-fashioned and stuck in their ways, but I still feel the need to please them (as stupid as that sounds). I love my girlfriend and we’re definitely moving in together, no questions asked, but I wish my parents approved! How can I win over my parents’ approval? More to the point, how do I move on without their approval?
Best answer:
Answer by Magenta
I think you’ll just have to live your own life. Ultimately, they will be proud of having a child who is so sure of himself, and see it as validation of the upbringing they gave you. It might take a while, though. I know it’s hard, but try not to worry about what they think. Make your own life and be happy. Your parents will come round eventually, I’m sure. It’s not stupid to want to please them, but your responsibility, in the end, is to yourself, not to them. I think that once you get settled somewhere with your girlfriend, and are happy, you will find you have moved on, and will gradually worry less and less about your parents approval. Also, though I am by no means suggesting you rush into this, you might find that when you eventually give them grandchildren you will recover your golden child status. It’s odd, but it often works. You sound very balanced and mature, and I wish you every happiness with your partner in your life together.
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Just Explain To Them Calmly ThAt You Love Her And Dont Be Mean OR Rude To Her And There say Has No Effect In Your relationship But You want Them To Like Her
Wait n watch
Sounds like the two of you have a good thing goin’! Congratulations on that!
As for your parents, wow – they are something! 18 months age difference is so ridiculous of an attack, I can’t imagine it and coupled with the GPA requirement???
Now, forgive me for making assumptions, but I’m guessing your family is substantially wealthier than hers. While they may not be Rockefellers, they seem to have some classic issues related to the “haves” and the “have nots”. They may be primarily thinking that your girlfriend is a gold-digger of sorts. Wealthy parents also have a higher sense of power over their children’s private lives due to the green. Maybe they were hoping that you would marry another lawyer or a similar “prestigious” type. “Nothing in common” generally translates to “They don’t have similar bank accounts to our family”
The best thing you can do is seriously talk to them privately. Ask them what they find disrespectful about her. Tell them what she really means to you. Let them know that while their opinions do matter – you care about her very much. Ask them if it’s your welfare that matters to them(it should be) and what kind of woman were they hoping you would find? Unless they have any serious concerns and if they can’t come up with anything beyond the petty reasons they have so far, then they have to make an effort to accept her and at least stop with the trivial attacks. Tell them what character traits appeal to you – does she make you laugh? Does she make you feel better about yourself? Does she “complete” you in some way? Surely one of them will see how much you care about her and that will make a difference.
If you can make some headway with talking to them, then find a way to get together as a family so that they can see her positive traits. If you cannot crack a chink in the armor – allies among your siblings might help.
Oh, and btw – love the name.
You are a most mature young man, Dave. She is quite the lucky “older woman” to be getting you.
It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation. You understand well, what it is that you want in life. I commend you for wanting to respect your parents’ wishes, THOUGH they obviously, don’t respect yours.
OK, here are the dynamics. Some parents start gearing up children for eventual freedom at say, age 10, by asking their opinions on matters and giving them opportunities to make decisions. Other parents would hang a registered and certified parent license on the living room wall to indicate to everyone that ONLY they make decisions, because it is their job. In your case, they had made decisions FOR you all your life. Now that you want to make your own, this does not compute. In their parent handbook as in Wally there is really no understanding of when the child becomes an adult, just like the ship needing to return to earth.
At first, parents of this ilk believe, that if THEY make enough decisions you will somehow STAY a child and they don’t need to address this issue. On board the ship it was extremely important to destroy that plant. BUT…. when reality hits it will have the greatest effect.
Your actual moving and MAKING your own decisions is a large wake-up call that their parenting role is changing. The fact, that you aren’t in your bunkbed with the moon astral light on is another. Your absence, in most situations, forces parents to ACCEPT the inevitable:
He has grown up! He has moved out! If we want to be part of his life, we have to stop acting like Joan and Ward Cleaver and start to treat him like, like…. AN ADULT.
The more they practice, the better they will get at it. Dunder-head parents, sit on the sidelines, hoping that you fail miserably and come home. They even keep your Captain Crunch Cereal Bowl set at the table in great expectation.
If they are able to make this adjustment, you now have good friends that will support you in your adult life. If they would rather wallow in self-pity over the child THEY LOST, you need to let them go. Most parents can’t wait for grandchildren and actually LOVE and MISS you and will do everything possible to be with you. Good Luck. Bon Voyage